


Scar tissue

by chaoticdean



Series: Suptober 2020 [31]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Human Castiel (Supernatural), Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Stargazing, Suptober 2020 (Supernatural)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:16:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27315388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaoticdean/pseuds/chaoticdean
Summary: Suptober 2020, day 31: carry on.There are arguably a few things that Dean dislikes more than anything else in the world, but nothing compares to what it feels like to wake up in an empty bed in the middle of the night, and the insane bolt of fear laced with anxiety than runs through Dean’s chest when he realizes he’s got no idea where Castiel is.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: Suptober 2020 [31]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1949341
Comments: 6
Kudos: 104





	Scar tissue

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to everyone who tagged along this crazy 31 days ride! I'm gonna go back into hibernating mode for a little while and work on a big story I've had in the work for a few months, so expect me to come back in a few weeks :)

There are arguably a few things that Dean dislikes more than anything else in the world — kale, having to pass on coffee when they’re in a rush on any given morning for whatever fucking reason, kale, when the motel shower doesn’t have any pressure and oscillates between ice cold and Siberian cold (Castiel sometimes argue that they’re the same fucking things, but Dean still begs to disagree), kale, when Sam or Jack mess with the alphabetical order of his record collection (Castiel knows better than ever stepping foot near it), kale, not managing to find out what’s wrong with Baby for more than 24 hours, kale, kale, kale, kale.

Yet, nothing compares to what it feels like to wake up in an empty bed in the middle of the night, and the insane bolt of fear laced with anxiety than runs through Dean’s chest when he realizes he’s got no idea where Castiel is.

Not even fucking _kale_.

Dean quickly checks his phone — no texts, no calls, and it’s past 4 am — before he rolls out of bed and scans the room. They’ve been sharing long enough for Cas’ stuff to be everywhere at that point, and the line between Dean’s side of the closet and Castiel’s has long been merged into a mess of both their clothes.

He doesn’t catch sight of the angel’s sweatpants that he was definitely wearing when they both went to bed earlier, and doesn’t find the old ratty Ramones shirt he claimed ownership of to sleep in months ago (despite it being in Dean’s stuff for what was probably decades before), which allows him to breathes a sigh of release. If Cas is still wearing his pajamas, it means he’s probably somewhere in the bunker, reading a book in the Deancave or having one of his night snacks before he strolls back in bed.

Dean tucks himself back under the cover for a few minutes, waiting to see if his angel finds his way back to their room. His mind inevitably wanders to the few time this happened before, when Cas didn’t return until he went after him, and his stomach twists as the worry rise again, sour in his throat.

Those were the nights they both tried to forget, when Cas couldn’t bear the weight of humanity anymore, all of his doubts and worries and mistakes coming back to haunt him, scar tissue barely holding him together.

Most of the time Dean would find him outside, gazing at the stars, cheeks stained with tears and blue eyes turned dull. It turned his guts upside down, and he only managed to coax him into coming back inside with him after a long while, Castiel refusing to utter a single word even after they were back under the covers and into the familiar warmth of their own embrace.

Eventually, the once-upon-an-angel would fall back asleep against Dean, but the hunter gazed at the ceiling for a long time afterward, trying to find a way to get his angel to open up before exhaustion got the best of him too.

They never talked about it.

Dean slips out of their bed again, grabbing his jacket to wear over his worn-out Zeppelin tee, and bolts through the bunker’s corridor until he reaches the entrance door. It’s still dark outside but the sky is clear enough to watch the stars and as Dean steps outside, he immediately finds Castiel sitting cross-legged a few steps away from him, lost in his contemplation of the sky.

He quietly makes his way to him, making sure that he’s welcomed into the space Castiel made for himself before sitting next to him. The ex-angel is still in his pajamas but he’s also wearing a pair of boots that Dean recognizes as his own, and a winter jacket that’s also Dean’s firmly closed around him to keep him warm. He doesn’t flinch when Dean’s hand settles on his knee, and Dean feels relieved when he noticed the peaceful look on Cas’ face.

He waits a while before speaking, cutting through the comfortable silence between them, “you’re gonna catch a cold, babe.”

Castiel smiles, still looking at the sky, and Dean’s stomach flutters again.

“Your jacket keeps me warm,” he says as he finally drops his head and looks at Dean, blue eyes twinkling with something that Dean can’t grasp yet, “why are you up? It’s late.”

“I woke up and you weren’t there.”

He doesn’t need to say anything more, he knows Cas get it. Dean watches as something seems to unfold on Castiel’s face, a shadow crossing his eyes and his hand reaching for Dean’s on his knees.

“I’m sorry,” he says, locking eyes with Dean, “I just needed some air.”

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it,” Dean smiles at him as Cas takes his hand to his mouth, brushing a kiss over his knuckles, “you okay?”

“I think so.”

“C’mere, then.”

Dean lies back on the grass, tugging on Cas’ hand until he’s lying next to him. The ex-angel curls up against his side, tucks his head under Dean’s chin, a mess of raven hair tickling his skin as they both look up at the sky, and Dean breathes free for the first time in what feels like hours.

“What were you thinking about, all alone?” Dean asks after a while, his arm wrapped around Cas’ middle, keeping him close, craving the connection.

“How I was there when the stars were created, and now I’m here on Earth gazing at them.”

“Is that a bad thing?” Dean enquires, his hand curling possessively on Cas’ stomach.

“No, not necessarily. It’s just a reminder about who I used to be.”

“Do you miss it?”

“Constantly.”

“Regret it?”

There’s a beat then, Castiel not answering right away and Dean’s heart threatening to come out of his ribcage. It’s something he’s been asking himself constantly, part of what keeps him up some nights. Does Cas ever regret choosing him?

“No. Not a single time,” he finally says, his voice soft, and Dean breathes again, “sure, it’s been hard, but ultimately… Being here with you, it makes it all worth it.”

Castiel nuzzles against his jaw then, tearing himself away from the sky to hide his face in the crook of his neck, and Dean just holds onto him tighter, pressing him closer.

“It’s in the little things, really. Before I ever experienced humanity, I thought I knew all about what being human was like, and God knows I was wrong.”

“How so?”

“I never knew how… intense humanity could be. How the sun on my skin can burn so bright it lights up everything in me, or how some scents just keep sending me to part of my past,” Cas says and Dean melts against him, closing his eyes for the first time, “it’s overwhelming. But it’s also overwhelming in all the bad ways, too.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean whenever I get down, I don’t know how to get back up, and it’s eating at me. I thought I had it all under control but then… Sometimes it just feels like I’m swimming in a bowl and there’s no way out.”

“I’m right here for you, you know,” Dean says softly, turning just enough to brush his lips against Cas’ cheek in a tender move, “you don’t have to carry this alone. I’m not just here for the fun and nice, we’re in this together.”

“I know.”

“Then talk to me when it gets hard. Tell me when you’re down. Just let me in.”

Cas is silent against him for a while, and the sky keeps lighting up the stars as dawn starts fading slowly. Dean raises a hand to card through his hair, and Castiel sighs against him.

“We should head back inside,” Dean whispers against him, “We really are going to catch a cold, and I’m not sure I want to see you get sick as a human for the first time, it’ll be horrendous.”

“You’re an asshole.”

“We’ve already established that, babe,” Dean smiles as they both start to stand up.

Dean keeps Castiel’s hand firmly in his as they stumble back inside the bunker and into their room. Once they’re back under the cover, he presses his chest against Castiel’s back, lets his arms curl around his waist, and buries his nose inside his neck, where it’s warm and smells like home.

“I love you,” he whispers tenderly, the words echoing against Castiel’s throat, and he can feel the definite shudder rolling over his skin, “never forget that, okay? Even when it gets hard.”

“You know how I said I was there when the stars were created?” Cas asks in a breathe.

“Yeah?”

“I’d paint a river of stars for you.”

Maybe it’s the way he says it, like it’s not the most cheesy pick-up line in the world but just a simple definite statement, but Dean feels it in his bones for a long time afterward, like a shockwave. He doesn’t answer, just press a lingering kiss right where Cas’ shoulder meets his neck, trying to convey every single thing he feels into a simple touch.

“When I don’t know why I carry on, I just remember that you’re there, with me. And that you love me,” Castiel says and Dean can hear the edges of his emotions bubbling inside his boyfriend’s low tone, and he clutches him closer, harder, “and that’s all that matters. That’s what gets me to carry on, still.”

Dean smiles against him, kissing his skin softly as they both sink back slowly into sleep.

_Carry on the wayward sons, the way that lovers do._

**Author's Note:**

> _  
> **rebloggable on[Tumblr](https://chaoticdean.tumblr.com/post/633536679697940480/scar-tissue)**  
>  _


End file.
